Busy, busy, busy!

I haven't posted in a really long time. I don't really have a good excuse for myself. I have just been so busy. And tired. School is my life right now. I am just trying to get into the swing of things. But things are going okay. I am doing okay. I have been stressed and am in the process of making some pretty big life choices.

I am changing my major and essentially my career goals. I have pretty much decided I want to major in Deaf Studies and become an interpreter. I have been studying American Sign Language for about a month now and I absolutely love it. It comes easily to me and I am passionate about it. I really love this language and want to immerse myself in it and become a part of this culture. I am still going to get my certificate in Early Childhood Education and I plan to work with deaf and hard of hearing children. Yes, this means I have so much more school and whatnot but I feel really passionate about this. I want this and I think it will be a great fit for me.

Now, my little squish has changed a lot also. Squish has learned how to crawl on his knee's, he can pull-up and he can say 8 words. Squish is also working on his first steps. He will pull-up onto the side of his walker and will shuffle with it when it moves forward. It's so much fun. He also has 8 teeth now. Ah, I love motherhood.

Therapy...

I am going to therapy and I am doing better. But I really think I need to deal with my actual issues and my abuse. Which we really haven't covered. I will be talking to my therapist about this soon and hope we can handle this and get to the core of my issues. I had a nightmare awhile ago but its the first one in about 2 months. Yet, I know its my subconscious wanting me to deal with my problems. There's not much else I can say. I haven't ran into him yet but his wife works at the campus bookstore. I ran into her once but nothing happened. Also, I recently pushed my biological father out of my life. The abusive one... (My History, first post) I decided I didn't want him around my child. He is too toxic.

That's all for now. I will try to write more often but I am just really busy and honestly, I just don't want to write about the pain. I just want it to go away. I want my life to be my life. I don't want to be damaged anymore.

I want to feel okay

*Trigger *

I remember, like it was yesterday. The last time I self harmed. It was just after Valentine's day. I'd been dumped. Before that, it'd been years ago. I had been fine for awhile. And then I got dumped. We had just moved into our new house, too.

I found a razor, opened it up and took out the blades. One, two, three cuts in the leg. Then, all the pain was gone. Safely stored away.
That summer, I still had scars. People asked questions. I blamed it on the cats. So easy. No one really cared anyway.

Now... There are still days where I remember how good it felt, how easy it was. I want to so bad sometimes. I know it is bad, I know its wrong. But cutting... Its such a quick, easy way to cope. I, just have no way to hide now.

My husband would catch me and it would all be over. So I handle the pain as best as I can. But I... I miss it. I try to write and I try to talk about it. Yet, there's still urges.

I hide them away and push them down. I fight, I fight as hard as I can.

Right now, its so hard with the body memory I've been dealing with. I know if I cut, it would go away. It would all go away and I'd feel okay.

That's all I want... Is to feel okay.

It'd be so easy, so simple, really. Just grab my razor, open it up and use the blades. To feel that cold metal against my skin. But, I know better. I know I can't do it. Its not healthy but it sure is tempting.

A Mixture of Thoughts

Well... There's been a lot on my mind lately.

I know that in NINE days the restraining order will be up... >.< Obviously,  because of therapy I have contingency plans if they bother me but I am still anxious about this. I would honestly rather have them die in a car crash then have to hear from them. I hate, hate, hate this anxious feeling. Its suffocating. I just, I wish it would all go away. I wish they dies or lived in another country. Mostly, I wish he would die anyways. A slow, horrible painful death, at my hands. I wish he could feel all the pain I have felt over this. All the guilt, the tears, the anxiety, oh and maybe the PTSD. He did not have any repercussions. He has not paid for his  wrongdoings. He can and will do this again. And that makes me sick, sick to my stomach.

Another thing that I have been dealing with lately is body memory. I don't know why but its been particularly intense for a few weeks. I think its because of therapy, the timing and blogging about the abuse.

**TRIGGERS**
I absolutely, cannot, perform oral on my spouse right now... It makes me nauseous just thinking about it. It was what ~he~ requested since I refused to sleep with him... So it happened a lot. At least twenty times. I never finished for him. I could barely even put my mouth around him when he did force me into it. ((gag)) Anyways, there is severe body memory there and its even hard to be french kissed right now... Nonetheless.. Intimacy issues are very common, almost expected, in survivors.

Then, there's masturbating. There are a lot of nights where I can't sleep. In general, I can masturbate and get right to sleep, quickly after. Unless, hubby and I have sex. Which, I prefer 9 times out of 10. Anyways, awhile ago, I couldn't sleep so I was... (cough, cough) solving my problem. Most of the time, I prefer not to think of anything and just do it until I "O." But... Somehow, which happens more often than not, ~he~ invaded my thoughts. Then there was a bit of a flash back. {See, I have been masturbating to go to sleep for ages. And ~he~ quickly found that out.} I remembered that ~he~ used to stand outside my door and listen to me... (I wasn't allowed to sleep with my door closed..) He did that quite often. I am pretty sure he used it to get off, himself. But, this memory was pretty bad and has been on my mind for a bit. My husband suggested I blog about it, so there you go.
**END TRIGGERS**

There have also been a few other things going on in my world. I go back to school in a couple of weeks and I am pretty excited. But... I discovered awhile ago that ~his wife~ will be joining me on campus. Hopefully, she won't bother me. I also joined a few support groups online and am mostly prodding around to see what I find. It is definitely nice to feel like I am not alone in this, though.

Oh and... Little Squishy cut another tooth! Woot! Woot!

New Year's Resolution's

I am probably joining million's of bloggers out there when I say I think New Year's resolution's are stupid. If you want to make a change you should just do it. Just because the date has changed shouldn't be a magical push to get someone to change their ways. But, regardless... There are a few things I want to change and some thing's I desperately need to let go of. I also want to reflect on some of the happenings that occurred in 2012.

2012 in review:

January 2012: My step-mom moved in with my dad. And she's amazing. I absolutely love how I can talk to her about anything. I am also happy that my dad is happy. She's so good to him. Oh and it was a blessing to have her there when I had my squishy. If it wasn't for her, I don't know when I would've eaten or showered. Anyways, she's awesome.

February 2012: My squishy was born. And well... Being a mommy was and is just the best, most wonderful amazing experience ever. Its also heart wrenching as fuck. Everyday, it feels like my heart has left my body and is attempting the craziest things. I love my baby, though and I am so blessed with him.

March 2012: Squishy's first Easter! Little One, of course, doesn't remember it but it was pretty awesome. Otherwise it was a pretty normal month.

April and May 2012 were also pretty low-key for us.

June 2012: Well, it was our one year anniversary and also about one year from when we conceived Little One... So that was pretty awesome.

July 2012: He married her... And the adopted family stayed at my dad's house... We were there then too. Ohmygod I got so much crap about forgiveness I wanted to hurt someone. Oh and on top of this, they didn't invite my dad to their wedding, yet their guests still stayed over at our house. Ugh, I love my dad but I still think that was an idiot move... Otherwise it was a pretty normal month. But that was about the time I started having anxiety attacks again... >.<

August 2012: We MOVED OUT!!!  Its so nice having our own space. Also, my dad and step-mom got married! That was a fun event. Oh and I started going back to college. That was nice. I really missed.

October 2012: Squishy's first Halloween! It was a lot of fun. We took him Trick-or-Treating and he didn't get scared or anything.

November 2012: Well, I was messing around online and I made friends with a really cool guy. He's a really good friend now and I enjoy talking to him. I promise, he's not some crazy weirdo... Well, if he is... It's not like I gave him my address. We skype pretty often but that's about it. Then there's Squishy's first Thanksgiving. My hubby's step-mom fed him too much banana pudding and made him super sick. Oh and then I found out that they all hate me.. Ugh. In-laws... He also cut his first tooth! I also started going back to therapy this month... It seems to be helping...

December 2012: The school semester ended and its nice to have a break. Little One learned to crawl. :O And... First Christmas was awesome. That's about it. The nightmares have calmed down a bit and I have been doing a little better. I also started my first job! I started tutoring at a local elementary school.

So that was my year...

Now... My resolution's...

I need to make more of an effort to stop feeling guilty. I know it was't my fault but I still feel like it was sometimes. I need to move past this.
I would like to lose 5-10 pounds. But who wouldn't?
I hope to make my job more long term.
I really should start reading to my son every night. But he won't sit still.
And...
I should let go... Just in general. I get so worked up sometimes. Ugh.

Anyways, that was my year, mostly. I have the memory of a goldfish. Anyone have any resolution's they'd like to add?

How I feel...

Everyday I fight with so many emotions. I feel guilty, unhappy, ashamed, unworthy, scared, lonely; then I feel happy, loved, strong, and wanted. Its like I am bi-polar sometimes. I don't know how to handle it and the influx of emotions is nearly enough to bring me to my knees sometimes. Mostly, I just want to cry and hide. I constantly feel like my whole world is going to come crashing down and I will with it. This... Constant battle for control has got to stop. But I don't know how. I just want to be happy. I don't want to feel everything else. I am so scared, deathly afraid of losing everything. I have before, too many times to count.

Here's a basic example of what goes on in my head: I am deathly afraid of losing my spouse or my child. I don't know why, but a part of me is convinced that one day either of them will be ripped from my world and I will never see them again. I understand that everyone is scared of this happening to them but I obsess over it. When my little one was born, I had terrible nightmares of losing my child for about two months. Usually to a car accident, Which is strange, I have never been in a car accident... But, I literally have nights where I lay in bed wondering what it would be like if I woke up and my baby wasn't breathing. Ohmygod. Within five minutes, I am crying my eyes out at this thought. Its almost worse when I think about losing my husband. Agh. Anyhow, I know this is because of what happened to me and "everything I have been through."

I want to touch on something else here. This is something that may hit home with a lot of abuse survivors.

The Guilt

About three times a week or more, I don't know, I don't like acknowledging this... I feel guilty. For various reasons. I am going to start with the worst, hardest one.

I liked it. (Now, let me remove myself while I explain this.) Here's a simple fact, sex is pleasurable. It feels good. Even before him I was "masturbating" at an early age, I discovered it very young, at about 8 or 9... Okay, now add someone who thinks its interesting and fun... (EWW) It was nice to feel like what I was doing wasn't dirty. It was nice to have attention. And worst of all, I liked feeling wanted. I liked feeling loved. Yes, it is the sickest, dirtiest form of love but I was starving for any kind of love. He made me feel beautiful... And, almost everyday, I feel guilty because of this.

I still think it was my fault. The logical part of me knows it wasn't but... The parts of me that are still controlled by him, his voice, his thoughts, his poison, tell me different. I could have stopped him. I could have told. I should have told. But, I did not. Then, I wonder if I didn't tell because I liked it... I needed it somedays.  It was a drug, an escape from my mom and her draining sickness. I found some sick happiness with him.
Wow.
Honestly, I just realized that... And that cuts, it cuts deep. He played me like a fucking fiddle, I swear. And he's getting away with it. (insert pukeface here)

That's all I really have to say about the guilt that is all consuming sometimes.

Here is a little light of happiness.
My Little One's First Christmas
It was amazing. And my kiddo got a ridiculous amount of gifts. Gotta love grandparents. It was a really good day for me. It was a good day for all of us. Oh, and we got that massaging shower head we asked for! Woot! Woot! And, little one has started pulling up to stand. The kid just learned to crawl 3 weeks ago. I don't know what I am gonna do. Haha! I love my baby!

The Anger

I have so much anger inside of me. Pure, undeniable rage. There are many, many reasons why I am so angry.

1) What he did to me.
2) He took my innocence.
3) He stole my childhood.
4) I hated myself because of him.
5) I feel/felt dirty, ugly, weak, worthless and angry because of him.
6) Because he was/is my brother, I hate how I can't just let him go.
7) He confused me in so many ways.
8) He makes/made it hard to be intimate.
9) He got away with it.
10) There have been no consequences for him. I have to deal with this for the rest of my life.
11)  I have cried so many tears mourning our lost relationship.
12) I get so mad at other people because I don't know how to handle this pain.
13) He was supposed to protect me.
14) He used my weakness to get what he wanted.
15) I make stupid, rash decisions and say hurtful things because of the voices he placed in my head.
16) Very few people actually seem to comprehend what has happened to me.
17) His wife stayed with him. She plans to have his children. Those poor, poor children.
18) I am sick and tired of being told to forgive him.
19) I have nightmares about him.
20) I fear for my child. I am so scared of my little one running into him one day.

I understand that I will be able to move past this one day. I just, I still can't understand why he did this to me. It makes me sick. On a side note, the restraining order is up in 3 weeks. ~Que the shudders~ Please, pray that I don't hear from him or his wife. I really don't want to deal with them.

My History

I'm going to try to make this as coherent as possible... Here's my background.

I was born to a drug addict, stripper mother. We never really had enough money and things were never easy. I had two sisters and when I was about 5 or 6 I was sexually abused by an uncle or a cousin. I also lost a little brother to phenomena around this time. I, honestly, don't remember much of what happened. Just being naked and performing some oral. When I finally got back into contact with my mom, she said it was much much worse.

Then when I was 6, the cops came and took us away. We were quickly thrown into the foster care system and it was a mess. I can clearly remember being in at least three homes. I know in my final home, it was bad but that's because there was another child outside of my sisters and I causing problems.

Then, around 7 my biological father found me. He and his wife took me in and made me a part of their family. I was a scared, scared girl with some serious abandonment issues. I was also informed I had a half-brother across the country. Anyways, they didn't know how to be parents. There was some crazy shit that happened to me. And my bio dad had really bad back problems so it was mostly my step-mom who raised me. She was and still is a cunt. I would do something wrong and she would tell me she hated me. She would threaten to beat me. She dragged me across the house by my hair. I was young and I'd forget to flush the toilet before I took a shower. She threatened to make me drink my pee. They made me brush my teeth with rock salt. They sleep deprived me for 3 days because I "took" (put in my rock collection and forgot about it) her wedding ring. I was fucking 8!!! They'd strip me naked and spank me. Its fucking ridiculous the shit they got away with. There were no marks, I went to the counselor. It got me nowhere.

After living with them for about 2 years, his wife told him "me or her?" he picked her. Way to fuck with my abandonment issues. They sent me to live with my half brother, his mom and step-dad. Things went well at first. My brother was an ass. He told me he hated me because he had more chores when I moved in. Other than that, it was okay. I had a family.

Then we moved.

That's when it got bad. My mom was really sick. (Failing body, really...) My brother told me it was my fault she was sick. That I was such a bad child, that I made her so frustrated, that it made her sick. Ohmygod. I started cutting myself, I wanted to die. My only "real" mother and I was the reason she was in pain. And of course I believed him... I was 11/12...

Then it got worse.

It started with an innocent game of truth or dare. It started with him daring me to kiss him. And he told me it was nothing. That it was okay. (He's 4 years older than me. There was no innocence in this for him, he was 16 when he started molesting me, he knew what he was doing.) Then within weeks, it turned into him watching me masturbate in front of him. At 12. ~ Mom was sick and in bed, Dad was a work in another city, 2 hours away... ~ The abuse never escalated much from there.

Then we moved to the city where Dad worked. I started there as a freshman in high school... There wasn't much from my brother then. I had really bad acne and he had serious issues with it. I dated on and off.

Then on the Valentines day right after I turned 16, we moved to a new house in the same town. I also started birth control for really bad, irregular periods. My acne cleared up, I had gone through puberty. I was beginning to look like a young woman.

The abuse started again. It never went furtherer than oral sex, thank God. But it was always a bribe or a manipulation. He always found a way to get what he wanted. And Mom was sick, I was lonely. It was hard to have friends over with how sick she was and she didn't really didn't like it when I went anywhere.

The abuse continued until my 18th birthday. Which, also happened to be the day our mom died. That night, he came into my room and tried to convince me to sleep with him. I don't fucking know what the hell is wrong with him.

One week after she passed, we had a memorial. One of my previous boyfriends showed up and well... We fell in love. Within three months we were engaged. Then, 4 months later, we married. I knew. I still know. Yeah, I was super young but he's the best thing to ever happen to me.

One month after we married, we found out we were expecting. Yes, we planned it.

Two months later, I told my spouse about the abuse from my brother. He was beyond pissed but I asked him not to say anything. Then, I started getting really angry around my brother. Violently angry. (We were living with my dad at this time and my brother and his girlfriend would visit. His girlfriend was my best friend... ) So I broke down and told my dad. I was 5 months pregnant and wanted, needed to protect my baby from his evil.

When I told my dad, he cried. That's when it clicked that what my brother did was bad. I never really understood but that's when I started to get it. Within a week, I pressed charges and got a restraining order.

After they called him in, which he gave a full confession (though I still believe he down-played it) he called our dad crying and apologizing. We also told my adopted family. They did and they still have swept it under the rug. It fucking bull shit. They have all been cut out as of just recently.

I also got the restraining order for a year. In fact, its up in about 3 weeks. >.< My dad moved in his fiancée around this time. I absolutely love my step mom and she's been so great with this whole thing.  Then a few months later, I had my Little one. There are no words to express my joy for my child. :-)

NINE days after I had my baby, my brothers fiancée (my previous friend) contacted me. She wanted to see the baby. I told her no. We texted a bit. Then the next day, she texted me again telling me the abuse was my fault, my sick, dying mother's fault and my dad's fault. My step mom called and told her to fuck off.

About a month or two later we got news of the case and if they could charge him. Turns out we can't. Some bull shit about age of consent in Nevada. FUCK.

Then, my brother and his fiancée got married. Their guests (some of my adopted family) stayed at my dads. (We were still living there, too.) Oh my god. I heard so much shit about forgiveness and how they wished it was different. Oh and to top this off, my brother didn't even invite my dad to his wedding.

A month later I got a letter from his dipstick wife. All full of shit on how she forgives me for hurting her and yadadayada. That was also around the time we moved out.  Then I went back to college and whatnot. My adopted family still never changed their stance on my brother and even invited him to Thanksgiving dinner with young girls around him. Three weeks after that, I cut them off Facebook. I am going to therapy for this and my blog is a part of it. Anyways, well here we are.

On the up side. Squishy's first Christmas is coming quick! I'm sooo excited. Anyways, there's my history. :-)