How I feel...

Everyday I fight with so many emotions. I feel guilty, unhappy, ashamed, unworthy, scared, lonely; then I feel happy, loved, strong, and wanted. Its like I am bi-polar sometimes. I don't know how to handle it and the influx of emotions is nearly enough to bring me to my knees sometimes. Mostly, I just want to cry and hide. I constantly feel like my whole world is going to come crashing down and I will with it. This... Constant battle for control has got to stop. But I don't know how. I just want to be happy. I don't want to feel everything else. I am so scared, deathly afraid of losing everything. I have before, too many times to count.

Here's a basic example of what goes on in my head: I am deathly afraid of losing my spouse or my child. I don't know why, but a part of me is convinced that one day either of them will be ripped from my world and I will never see them again. I understand that everyone is scared of this happening to them but I obsess over it. When my little one was born, I had terrible nightmares of losing my child for about two months. Usually to a car accident, Which is strange, I have never been in a car accident... But, I literally have nights where I lay in bed wondering what it would be like if I woke up and my baby wasn't breathing. Ohmygod. Within five minutes, I am crying my eyes out at this thought. Its almost worse when I think about losing my husband. Agh. Anyhow, I know this is because of what happened to me and "everything I have been through."

I want to touch on something else here. This is something that may hit home with a lot of abuse survivors.

The Guilt

About three times a week or more, I don't know, I don't like acknowledging this... I feel guilty. For various reasons. I am going to start with the worst, hardest one.

I liked it. (Now, let me remove myself while I explain this.) Here's a simple fact, sex is pleasurable. It feels good. Even before him I was "masturbating" at an early age, I discovered it very young, at about 8 or 9... Okay, now add someone who thinks its interesting and fun... (EWW) It was nice to feel like what I was doing wasn't dirty. It was nice to have attention. And worst of all, I liked feeling wanted. I liked feeling loved. Yes, it is the sickest, dirtiest form of love but I was starving for any kind of love. He made me feel beautiful... And, almost everyday, I feel guilty because of this.

I still think it was my fault. The logical part of me knows it wasn't but... The parts of me that are still controlled by him, his voice, his thoughts, his poison, tell me different. I could have stopped him. I could have told. I should have told. But, I did not. Then, I wonder if I didn't tell because I liked it... I needed it somedays.  It was a drug, an escape from my mom and her draining sickness. I found some sick happiness with him.
Wow.
Honestly, I just realized that... And that cuts, it cuts deep. He played me like a fucking fiddle, I swear. And he's getting away with it. (insert pukeface here)

That's all I really have to say about the guilt that is all consuming sometimes.

Here is a little light of happiness.
My Little One's First Christmas
It was amazing. And my kiddo got a ridiculous amount of gifts. Gotta love grandparents. It was a really good day for me. It was a good day for all of us. Oh, and we got that massaging shower head we asked for! Woot! Woot! And, little one has started pulling up to stand. The kid just learned to crawl 3 weeks ago. I don't know what I am gonna do. Haha! I love my baby!