I want to feel okay

*Trigger *

I remember, like it was yesterday. The last time I self harmed. It was just after Valentine's day. I'd been dumped. Before that, it'd been years ago. I had been fine for awhile. And then I got dumped. We had just moved into our new house, too.

I found a razor, opened it up and took out the blades. One, two, three cuts in the leg. Then, all the pain was gone. Safely stored away.
That summer, I still had scars. People asked questions. I blamed it on the cats. So easy. No one really cared anyway.

Now... There are still days where I remember how good it felt, how easy it was. I want to so bad sometimes. I know it is bad, I know its wrong. But cutting... Its such a quick, easy way to cope. I, just have no way to hide now.

My husband would catch me and it would all be over. So I handle the pain as best as I can. But I... I miss it. I try to write and I try to talk about it. Yet, there's still urges.

I hide them away and push them down. I fight, I fight as hard as I can.

Right now, its so hard with the body memory I've been dealing with. I know if I cut, it would go away. It would all go away and I'd feel okay.

That's all I want... Is to feel okay.

It'd be so easy, so simple, really. Just grab my razor, open it up and use the blades. To feel that cold metal against my skin. But, I know better. I know I can't do it. Its not healthy but it sure is tempting.

A Mixture of Thoughts

Well... There's been a lot on my mind lately.

I know that in NINE days the restraining order will be up... >.< Obviously,  because of therapy I have contingency plans if they bother me but I am still anxious about this. I would honestly rather have them die in a car crash then have to hear from them. I hate, hate, hate this anxious feeling. Its suffocating. I just, I wish it would all go away. I wish they dies or lived in another country. Mostly, I wish he would die anyways. A slow, horrible painful death, at my hands. I wish he could feel all the pain I have felt over this. All the guilt, the tears, the anxiety, oh and maybe the PTSD. He did not have any repercussions. He has not paid for his  wrongdoings. He can and will do this again. And that makes me sick, sick to my stomach.

Another thing that I have been dealing with lately is body memory. I don't know why but its been particularly intense for a few weeks. I think its because of therapy, the timing and blogging about the abuse.

**TRIGGERS**
I absolutely, cannot, perform oral on my spouse right now... It makes me nauseous just thinking about it. It was what ~he~ requested since I refused to sleep with him... So it happened a lot. At least twenty times. I never finished for him. I could barely even put my mouth around him when he did force me into it. ((gag)) Anyways, there is severe body memory there and its even hard to be french kissed right now... Nonetheless.. Intimacy issues are very common, almost expected, in survivors.

Then, there's masturbating. There are a lot of nights where I can't sleep. In general, I can masturbate and get right to sleep, quickly after. Unless, hubby and I have sex. Which, I prefer 9 times out of 10. Anyways, awhile ago, I couldn't sleep so I was... (cough, cough) solving my problem. Most of the time, I prefer not to think of anything and just do it until I "O." But... Somehow, which happens more often than not, ~he~ invaded my thoughts. Then there was a bit of a flash back. {See, I have been masturbating to go to sleep for ages. And ~he~ quickly found that out.} I remembered that ~he~ used to stand outside my door and listen to me... (I wasn't allowed to sleep with my door closed..) He did that quite often. I am pretty sure he used it to get off, himself. But, this memory was pretty bad and has been on my mind for a bit. My husband suggested I blog about it, so there you go.
**END TRIGGERS**

There have also been a few other things going on in my world. I go back to school in a couple of weeks and I am pretty excited. But... I discovered awhile ago that ~his wife~ will be joining me on campus. Hopefully, she won't bother me. I also joined a few support groups online and am mostly prodding around to see what I find. It is definitely nice to feel like I am not alone in this, though.

Oh and... Little Squishy cut another tooth! Woot! Woot!