I want to feel okay

*Trigger *

I remember, like it was yesterday. The last time I self harmed. It was just after Valentine's day. I'd been dumped. Before that, it'd been years ago. I had been fine for awhile. And then I got dumped. We had just moved into our new house, too.

I found a razor, opened it up and took out the blades. One, two, three cuts in the leg. Then, all the pain was gone. Safely stored away.
That summer, I still had scars. People asked questions. I blamed it on the cats. So easy. No one really cared anyway.

Now... There are still days where I remember how good it felt, how easy it was. I want to so bad sometimes. I know it is bad, I know its wrong. But cutting... Its such a quick, easy way to cope. I, just have no way to hide now.

My husband would catch me and it would all be over. So I handle the pain as best as I can. But I... I miss it. I try to write and I try to talk about it. Yet, there's still urges.

I hide them away and push them down. I fight, I fight as hard as I can.

Right now, its so hard with the body memory I've been dealing with. I know if I cut, it would go away. It would all go away and I'd feel okay.

That's all I want... Is to feel okay.

It'd be so easy, so simple, really. Just grab my razor, open it up and use the blades. To feel that cold metal against my skin. But, I know better. I know I can't do it. Its not healthy but it sure is tempting.